A reader writes with a concern over the kind of people he meets in the online dating community: “I have been talking to this woman online for about 3-4 weeks now. We talked about everything and seemed to really really click, I started to look forward to our chats and thought maybe she had serious potential. Yet when we started talking about meeting, she started to get a little flaky, and never really “had the time” and then the chats happened less and less, and finally she doesn’t even message me back!! This is the same person that just a couple weeks ago I was staying up half the night talking about how we had so much in common! I have had similar situations happen in the past, but never one I had talked to this much. So tell me, do ANY of the women online dating actually want to meet someone or are they just looking for chat buddies? If they are why don’t they just say that from the beginning?”
Frustrated- Your letter could have easily been writen by a woman asking the same question about men! Believe me I have gotten those also. The great part about meeting people online is that one can quickly eliminate those that are not quite what you are looking for without the investment of a date. It takes less courage to “approach” someone online and you are able to search for people with interests similar to yours, education, religious beliefs etc. Someone is able to connect with people they may not have met otherwise. That is the great news!
Now for the crappy part. This set up allows people that are married or in relationships to “cheat” without really cheating (maybe she was married), to play make believe about who they are or what they look like (maybe she really weighed 500 pounds), and to just flirt for the fun of it without any commitment at all. Other than the times you are chatting under the guise of your usernames, you really dont know how this person lives thier life until you spend time with the real person.
Any of those things could be the case here, as well as the fact that she could have simply met someone else that she liked better. You have to assume that if you met her on a dating site, more than one man wrote her! Now it would be nice if she just came right out and told you if she met someone, but sadly in the virtual relationship world, most don’t feel they are required to do that because they are not in a “real” relationship. You have never even met, therefore she does not owe you any explanations. It is also much easier to simply disappear than tell someone that you are not interested. I am not sure who said it but I agree with the idea that there is no such thing as NOT communicating.
By her disappearing, she communicated to you her lack of interest – whatever the reason- quite clearly I might add. There are folks that will argue right or wrong on those points all day, but regardless of right or wrong- it is true. There is good and bad in all situations and this is the downfall of online dating.
Here is the take home message that I hope you get- BOTH men and women:
When Someone blows you off or disappears like that they almost always have done you a huge favor. Stop. Go back and read that again, slowly until you understand. This is true in both the virtual world and the real one.
No matter how you were experiencing the “relationship”, the other person was obviously not experiencing it the same way. They made the decision that they did not want to peruse the relationship because they were not feeling inspired to do so, or there were circumstances that you were unaware of. Do you really want a person that doesn’t feel the same things for you as you do for them? Would you rather find out later they are married? Would you rather spend a lot of time and effort to meet them only to find they are NOTHING at all like they presented? Is that is “What good looks like to you.” No of course not. Being blown off early is always better than any of those situations.
If you are sincere in meeting someone, it is best to meet as early as possible after you have established that there is a connection and mutual interest. This will help you to avoid a “chat buddy” situation, and if the person is just online flirting with no intention of taking it further, help you find that out early. Women especially are concerned about meeting too soon- for safety reasons so always suggest meeting in a safe public place. Coffee is the current popular choice for the initial meeting, then the two of you can decide if you want to take it further than that. No matter the situation, if another person is not feeling “it” for you- you can’t make them no matter how much you feel for them and if they pull the disappearing act- count your blessings and move on!
Are All Women Using Online Dating Flakes
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